I had this very clever article and I wrote it three times and I said, “You know what, this sucks, and I am going to talk about doughnuts instead because I am an adult and I fucking love doughnuts.”

Is there anything that is more precisely perfect than a well made doughnut? The answer is no, there isn’t. Not your children, not your relationships, nothing is as perfect as a well made doughnut… if it was made by Jesus, then it would truly be perfect.

Then one must ask themselves if Jesus is any good at making them? I mean he is really good at making wine and fish and bread and coming back from the dead, but doughnuts are more finicky. If you make them too light they are like bags of air, too dense, and they sit like a brick in your stomach. We all have our different tastes but we all can agree that they are awesome. Even with this universal agreement the question must be asked: Why are they awesome?

It is a question that philosophers and scientists have pondered upon for eons. To try to apply any form of logic to the awesome that is the doughnut is to try to put a face to God, it just doesn’t work out. I mean look at the paintings in which God featured, he always looks just a bit off, like he’s annoyed for the fact that he’s always wearing a beard.

I am going to attempt to answer this very question.

Doughnuts are awesome because they contain the most peaceful substance in the universe: Joy. Doughnuts are made of pure joy. That isn’t to say the person making them is filled with pure joy as they are usually filled with two cups of coffee and a slug of gin at 3 AM, but what they are making is going to bring joy to the world. How do you prove that joy exists inside of these fried pieces of dough?

I support my hypothesis with evidence.

Just watch someone open a box of doughnuts and watch a grin, smirk, smile, and a flash of happiness appear on their face. It takes them back to another place, another time, and it allows them that moment of escape in their mind. No one frowns at the sight of a doughnut box and if they do frown then clearly they are insane and shouldn’t be spoken to at all; for fear that they will steal your soul.

Doughnuts should be dropped on to war zones instead of pamphlets. Peace in the Middle East, (which is it really the Middle of the East?) just bring a dozen doughnuts to the table and state that no one can have one until they agree to terms.

Peace, boom, done, and all because of doughnuts.

No one can resist the joy that emanates off of a doughnut; no one except for vegans and those who cannot digest gluten and lactose intolerant people and the Amish.

Why are doughnuts awesome? They just are and if you take the last sprinkle I will cut you.