It was my turn to make dinner, and I am trying to finish a pitch before the end of the week, so I decided to make it easy on myself; but little did I know I was preparing a demise of someone at the dinner table.

I choose smoked herring from a can, with toasted sourdough and a Charles Shaw white wine because nothing is too good for my wife and myself. This particular can of herring is our favorite, it’s from Trader Joe’s, but on this evening I found out we bought its evil twin brother.

Evil-Herring

Goatee! I should have known!

This particular tin of herring uses a pivot top to open and reveal its fishy contents, it’s designed for ease, but it was designed stupidly. I say stupid because it’s designed for those who do not know how to operate a can opener. These people would throw the tin against the wall until it burst open, and eat its contents on the floor like the Neanderthals they are rather than utilizing the millions of years it has taken for us to harness the power of tools!

Fucking communists!

Fascists!

Back to the Red Dinner. I had cut the sourdough bread and Amber had uncorked the bottle of wine, we were sitting at the table and I began the delicate process of opening the tin. You would think it would be simple, but because of the previously stated design flaw you must be careful when opening the top or oil will fly everywhere.

I was nearly 75% done when the unthinkable happened.

The seam was weak along the back end and since I was applying the force needed to open the tin but at the same time keep the oil along its surface, the top sprang open! It had enough tension in it to give the oil the gift of flight, and like the Nazi bastard this tin was, it blitzkrieged my pants!

I give you a dramatic reenactment of this fateful evening:Herring-comic

 

Remember fish tin manufacturers, this horror does not need to happen to another family! Please, just let us use a can opener!

The can opener, killer of tins, liberator of the oppressed, used by our fighting G.I.'s!

The can opener, killer of tins, and liberator of the oppressed!

 

Written by Maz

Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled "Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales"