On boring houses

Houses are not homes until a life form has taken residence inside of it; be it mold with an amazing sense of style or people.

The subject of houses has been on my mind lately for a number of reasons, but if there is one thing I hate it’s houses that have zero imagination behind their construction. Lifeless homes that are boxes with a thick layer of stucco around them and smothered in a pink so plain even a loaf Wonder Bread is bored by it.

Bored Wonder Bread

Now I get that sometimes these places are all you can afford, and that’s fine, but what I really get irked by is the fact that these homes are being priced well beyond their actual value. You see, I live in California, a state that is as beautiful as it is dry (this equates out to Very x8) and because of this beauty, the homes being sold in areas that are not in the middle of the desert are insanely high. And most of the structures are these thoughtless wallet prisons that have been made into a shape of a house.

Wallet prisonHomes are made for humans, it’s a crazy notion, I know, but it is true. Yet, the boxes that are being built are not being made for humans, they are being made for money. They are thrown up cheap and lack a soul that used to come with houses, like the feeling that the people who made them actually knew what made a house good. People who gave a damn about their job and actually took pride in their work.

Bad flag

If you look at the houses that were built just 50 years go compared to today, you can see the massive slide in thought. And that’s saying a lot as the homes built in the 1970’s were probably some of the ugliest things in existence. Yet, these homes say something and have a look that says where and when they were made. The new homes by comparison say nothing and look more like drooling psych ward patients who are ranting raving inside their minds.

Drooling houseWhen house shopping, be sure to get the home you want and but be wary of lenders, as they can be vampires.

Vampire builders

P.S. MS Paint was rather challenging

On a quick blog post & Webcomic

Sooooooooo, today is an odd beast already.

I had a cup of coffee, sat down in front of the computer, and began to drift along the Internet. Now you might think that this isn’t that odd of an experience, and it isn’t, but then you’re not me; which is great because if you were, we would probably have to fight to the death.

I began clicking and clicking and clicking and seeing stories, images, and more. Again, this isn’t that special of an experience, we all have them in the morning or any day when we go online. We see photos about how terrible things are, the wonder that is art, and the human condition that is making dick jokes.

It was wonderful, and then I looked at the time. The time had just vanished, gone, never to appear in this same order again. I am not talking about the numbers on the clock, I am talking about the experiences of the morning that use time as a fuel source.

My wife will not sit on the couch the same way again to read her book and have coffee.

I will probably not wear the same underpants/t-shirt combination I am wearing now.

And the light through my hummingbird poop caked window will not seem as mute or as wonderful as it was on the 24th of July, 2015 at 7:25 am. It is a moment that has come and gone. A moment I will never experience again in the exact same order of events.

A day is precious, time cherished, take the time to experience the day because you will never have it again. And there is something liberating about that.

Now for a comic!


P.S. Today is Hawaiian shirt day at the office.

I have become white, destroyer of fashion.

How a wedding DJ is like a Toyota Camry

Photo credit: Wikipedia

I have never been to a wedding and said the words, “That DJ was great!” Never. I may have said they were fine or okay or even good, but they have never been Tony the Tiger great.

When throwing a wedding, most couples want to make sure they are covering their bases. They want a certain atmosphere and the ability to have slow songs along with the greatest hits from the 80’s. A DJ seems like a sound choice in this regard, as they can do this very request by the power of techno wizardry known as an MP3.

You make a playlist with them, tell them to do some slow songs, and we’re off to the races, right?

I can count on one hand the number of times a DJ did what they were told. I’ve witnessed the flat out rejection of the playlist as they begin to spin their beats to the horror of the audience as they witness the murder of music right before their ears. I have bared witness to an empty dance floor, crying out in pain, as people leave the dining hall to get away from the loud music.

The reason behind why Jack the Rapper does this is because most wedding DJs think they are club DJs. They think they’re either Dead Mouse or Daft Punk as they get that spinning globe thing out and find out that the reverb slider exists.

How does a wedding DJ have anything to do with a Toyota Camry?

The Toyota Camry is the right of passage of many a new driver in the U.S. as they are safe, reliable, and safe. It’s a formula that cannot go wrong, until someone throws a body kit on it or they give the car 20″ rims. When the vanilla beige flavor that is the Camry is violated is when you begin to take note of it. The Camry looks like it’s trying to keep a very short skirt on without flashing anyone. It just looks like it’s in pain.

That unnecessary styling on top of the Camry is the DJ at a wedding.

Most weddings are rather plain. They are safe in their design and reliable venues are typically chosen along with your choice of beef, chicken, or fish because vegans can eat a bug and die, right? Well, no, they can’t… have to think of a new analogy, wait for it… They could not eat a B12 vitamin and die, right?

Getting back on track, the wedding is usually a safe, vanilla experience, which is fine as there is nothing wrong with vanilla; I mean it is the most popular flavor in the world. When you throw a wedding DJ into the mix, it’s like seeing a Toyota Camry in candy apple red, it could possibly be okay or it could be a train wreck.

When planning a wedding, make sure you do two things:

-Test the DJ prior to hiring them, make them say the names of the wedding party before the wedding day (because they will screw that up), and then don’t hire them

-Instead hire a live musician who has an iPod, the live music will make your wedding better and you will have the 80’s playlist you wanted to boot without the bullshit light show.

Monday Webcomic Day- Robot Thoughts

Robot Thoughts is a twitter handle (@R_RobotHere) that I started about a robot head named R_Robot sailing on a boat, and having some deep robot thoughts and or odd conversations. I haven’t used the handle in a while, but I am going to be using it for the purpose of posting these comics that I am drawing on my lunch breaks at work.

Here are the first two comics:

Robot comic 1 Robot comic 2


The last comic here is based off a day when I was really depressed. I even wrote a tweet that inspired me to write the comic and it made me chuckle afterword. You can blame this comic for Robot Thoughts coming back into existence.

Here’s the tweet:


Depression comic

I found after I had drawn out the comic, and used the awesome coffee stain that was not intentional, I felt better. It’s odd, I know, but I am a rather odd guy in general. I am going to improve my penmanship and continue with these comics, so get ready for R_Robot, as it’s not going anywhere.

Consumer Retorts- Dick Tracy’s Watch


Product: Dick Tracy’s Radio Watch

Manufacturer: I dunno, Casio? It just says radio on the face, so, let’s go with Patek Philippe, because I’ve always wanted to wear one.

This watch hails back from the analog days when tubes infested machines and before cigarettes were plugged by the Flintstones. It is a piece of retro-future that is being mimicked today from one of the most glossy and overpriced companies in America.

Apple Watch
Because paying $400 so my watch looks like it has the Partridge Family grade herpes is just great!

Why overpay for this knock-off from China when you can get a great piece of communication that fits on your wrist made in the good-ol US of A, by way of Switzerland or Japan? The Casio Philippe one-off on my wrist is a style that is classic and yet futuristic at the same time. It’s face is simple and elegant, while the soft yellow glow of what could possibly be radio active inserts allows my eyes to see what time it is day or night… or if I am even asleep.

I haven’t slept in two days. I just see clocks now… I see time itself.

The large speaker atop is a mesh of steel and simple fibers; and just to answer the question that you didn’t ask, no, it does not get AM radio. It’s a communication device, allowing my voice to travel to a central location in order to find out information. I know there is only one of these things in existence, so I tried to call whomever might be on the other end.

I got the police, who were wondering why I had a piece of their tech. They proceeded to ask me questions like, “What’s my badge number?” and told me to not move, so naturally I ran away; though I will say the dispatchers voice was crystal clear!

The watch got a lot of attention at the local coffee shop, where a small child asked me why I bolted a cheese grader to a clock? Another patron also took notice, it was an off duty police officer, and shortly afterword I found myself in the back of the police car.


Casio Philippe could make a killing with this analog smart watch. Imagine being able to call your chemical supply guy so you can five gallons of lye you need without worrying about the heavy breathing of a cop on the other end party line? Or calling your wife to pick up cookies without worrying about the heavy breathing of a cop on the other end of the party line? Privacy is at a premium these days and people will pay almost anything to make sure their communications are not being observed.

I implore Casio Philippe to make this watch pronto! Imagine being able to use a device without having to worry about Google running ad-words to see what color bra you love? This watch is the future of yesterday that we need now, because it is simple, it works, and it won’t force upgrade you in five years to an inferior model.

And we all know, that new model is going to suck.
And we all know, that new model is going to suck.

Photo credits: therpf.com, amazon.com, youtube.com

Get a Job- Wile E. Coyote- Looney Tunes

Name: Wile E. Coyote

Job: A coyote (hunter)

“But Nick, he is a coyote.”

Yes he is, and he is terrible at the job. Many people might say that being a part of a species isn’t a job, but living itself, and surviving for that matter, is a full time job. It qualifies as a job because if you suck at it, you don’t get fired, you die.

Okay, then if he had a job, it would as a hunter.

Let’s look at what you need to have as a hunter to survive in the wilderness.

They must be clever

A hunter needs to be a clever, smart, and quick. They have to problem solve how to not be spotted and avoid being seen before the opportune time. Usually they do this by employing some clever tactic or using a camouflage of some kind.

Wile… he doesn’t really do that, he goes for the Rub Goldburg machine method of hunting. He does lie in wait for the Road Runner to come to him, but often times he relies on the element of surprise that is never surprising to his prey, but rather it is shocking only to himself.

They often have the best tools for the job

Be it a rifle or a bow and arrow or a fine set of claws, a hunter is prepared for the job of killing because they would be rather useless if they didn’t have the proper tools for the job.

The tool maker of choice for Wile is ACME and their almost endless catalog of useless and terrible inventions. Often times they do work, but they never factor in the idea of having to do a simple task like turning or, I don’t know, stopping. They are probably the most dangerous product manufacturer on the market, as they inventions would kill most of their operators, and yet they are still allowed to remain open.

Also, they do encourage the scorched earth approach to hunting.
Also, ACME does encourage the kamikaze approach to hunting.

They kill something

Let’s face it, hunters kill, and that’s okay. It is a basic instinct for us and other predators to kill when it comes to food as the nutrients inside of the creature dying are very valuable to the continued existence of the hunter. This also explains how most politicians continue to thrive in office.

Wile never kills his prey. Never. How he has continued to exist is a mystery as the audience has never really seen him eat anything and the only time we do see him is when he is in the act of “hunting.”


Wile E. Coyote is probably one of the worst hunters since Dick Cheney. He constantly fails at catching a bird he could easily catch on, say, his own damn feet.

Wily E Coyote v RR

By simply running, Wile would have been able to have his freaking food and at the same time save on the millions of dollars by not buying ACME Co. products! ACME Co. must have one hell of a marketing department.

Replacement Position

Since Wile loves gizmos and devices, his next job should be as the Product Acquisition Director for Skymall Magazine (which isn’t dead).

On House Hunting


Am I in the market for a house? Not yet, but after watching enough HGTV shows, and seeing my brother jump into the fray, I have some notes to give to those who are looking for a place to live. You can take or leave this as you may, but this is a home buying survival guide of sorts… and those who do not heed my warnings will die homeless among the pages and pages of house ads on Zillow.


1. Know the verbiage… and be wary

Seeing homes is great, but more than likely you will see a bunch of them before you finally find one you like; and even then you might go for two dozen and still not find one. While touring these homes, your realtor will say words. These words will mean something to you. They will build a picture in your mind of rustic interior design, a DIY paradise, but know that what these warm words actually mean:

  • Charming– Many an old house will be tied to this word. They usually haven’t touched since the Hoover administration and know that it means: Hope you don’t like weekends of doing nothing, because you’ll be renovating
  • Easy– When this word is applied to a feature in the house you do not like, know it isn’t easy, know you cannot (and let’s be honest, will not) actually upgrade the master bathroom and it’s liberal use of pink… everywhere. Why? Because you bought this house at the top of your price range and it was charming! If you attempt DYI plumbing, you will wind up an actual shits creek as your toilet backs up into your hallway
  • Open Floor plan– Okay, now this can be a good or bad thing.
    • Good- If it’s a newer home and the builders added some elements of division in the architecture so the space feels nice without having walls.
    • Bad- If previous owners saw an HGTV renovation show and went “Hey, we can knock down walls too” and now the first floor of the house looks more like a warehouse from the 1920’s; complete with Union scabs, just trying to eek out a living

2. Hope you like the lottery, and if you don’t, too damn bad

If you’re leaning toward newer construction, then get ready to put your name in the Harry Potter Sorting Hat and seeing where you and your loved ones are going to live; and these options include:

  • The smallest house in the track
  • The model home that the realtor’s office once occupied and probably held illicit affairs in due to some of them having very sad lives
  • A cardboard box, because you were number 68 in line and there were 10 houses left in this phase of building and the realtor’s office didn’t care who showed up when and goes down the list numerically rather than who signed in first

If you think I am exaggerating, I am not, in California the housing marketing for new homes is nuts. My brother and his wife have gone through rounds of emotional hell that is “Hey, you like this? Too bad.”

And if you’re going for the used market, because that seems a bit more realistic than the new market and you find the home you love! Then get ready for:

  • 16 bids being in on it already
  • 14 of those bids are going to be from investment groups that will never see the house and possibly shit money and kick puppies
  • The last 2 are from slobs like you who, hilariously enough, want to actually live in the house; and they are pre-approved. Are you pre-approved? No? Then why the hell are you even here!?

3. You got a house! Now you must make it a home

Congrats! You are now homeowners, and depending on what you got, hurrah/hurrah? No matter the condition of the home or wherever it resides, you now have three homes:

Your weekend home
And your lunch break home

P.S. I love eating at Ikea.

Consumer Retorts- The Batmobile (Batman Arkham Knight)


I am calling this series Consumer Retorts, because it is a play on words and therefore the highest form of comedy… and it makes me chuckle. In this series, I will be reviewing items from video games, film, TV, and any other form of fiction in order to better inform the public so they can make the best purchase possible.

Product: The Car (aka The Batmobile)

Manufacturer: Wayne Industries

I was able to secure some time with an item that is strictly off the books. This vehicle is so top secret that even the factory where it was manufactured was burned down and the staff completely erased from history. So, how did I get a chance to experience this wonderful “car” you are about to see?

When making a top secret project, always make sure that the security guard isn’t a Candy Crush addict. I gave that guy my entire friends list to play with in order to cross the Bubble Gum Bridge.

The Car as it is known by the file I have in my hand, was made by Wayne Industries for a very specific reason. What that reason is, I don’t know, but it looks like an arrow merged with a wild cat that was made out of adamantium. I mean just look at it!

The Car
It was even setup on a test track that looked like a city!

Looking at this super-hyper car, it can be easy to become intoxicated by the sheer design orgy happening in front of my eyes; but I am a journalist and I shall maintain my professionalism. Now, as you can see in the photo, The Car is very shiny. I was unable to find its stats on the sheet, so I decided to pop open the drivers side door (the only door) and hop inside.

I am all for a sporty feel, but this cockpit (and it feels more like a plane than a car) is a little tight. I am large shouldered man, but if I were a few pounds bigger I am sure I would need Crisco to dislodge myself. The dash is a mess of gauges, screens, and just some flashy buttons? I mean, I pressed, I dunno, ten of them and nothing happened.

Until I pressed the big red button and then my erection about destroyed my pants.

Yeah, go ahead mini van, make my day.
Yeah, go ahead mini van, try to take my parking spot.

Not only does the car now have the ability to strafe left or right, like something out of Macross, but it has the ability to answer whatever question is being fired at you with a cannon! A 60mm cannon, to be precise, and it packs a wallop! I took aim at the Fiat 500L the test city had parked nearby and did what should have been done in the first place and made it into an exotic paperweight.

It was then that the security guard must have awoken from his Candy Crush fever dream. As I was about to pirouette this death machine for the fourth time, I spun to a halt to find a windbreaker clad man yelling at me to get out of the car. Drunk on my newly acquired power, my finger pulled the trigger on the small man.

As the sound of a fired projectile echoed around me, I realized what I had done.

I tried to find the exit button and was instead ejected from the drivers seat and on to the hood. I ran over to the guard to find him conveniently knocked out. It was then I discovered this wasn’t a death machine.

Right, I knew it all along... yeah.
It must have been made for Black Friday shopping. It’s the only logical answer.

The riot gun incident bought me some more time with the car, so I decided to stay away from the god-like powers of the red button, and focused on some road testing.

Oh boy.

So, this thing is fast, I mean really fast! It even has an afterburner, which made me wonder why you would need such a thing in an urban environment, but hey, it’s really cool. If you were thinking this is just a single seat harbinger of pain, you’d be wrong as The Car fits up to three.

Please see the promo photo below:

Now, do you have a view in the passenger side? Ehhh, not so much.
Now, do you have a view in the passenger are? Ehhh, not so much.

Everything seemed to be stacking up well for The Car, but then I tried to do something silly, I tried to turn left… and that was a mistake. While this thing handles like a Russian Ballerina in the “Haters gonna hate” mode; in the actual car mode it’s more like a cow has been strapped to some ACME roller skates while Wile E. Coyote (super genius) rides on its back wearing a rocket pack. I don’t know why this thing requires so much finessing around the corners, but the amount of foot work you have to do may have your brain thinking you’re riding a bike rather than driving a car.


As I left the facility, and the still knocked out guard, I came away with mixed feelings about The Car. First off, it looks great. Secondly, it has that crazy combat mode, and it can carry passengers; but the actual driving, while fast, cannot handle the awesome that is this car. This is a shame as it could easily be one of the best creations on this planet. Also, if they ever rebuild the factory in which they forged this car, I hope they give you more options as far as color is concerned; and I would recommend the removal of the bat logos or at least a toning down of them, as they are very tacky.