I am calling this series Consumer Retorts, because it is a play on words and therefore the highest form of comedy… and it makes me chuckle. In this series, I will be reviewing items from video games, film, TV, and any other form of fiction in order to better inform the public so they can make the best purchase possible.
Product: The Car (aka The Batmobile)
Manufacturer: Wayne Industries
I was able to secure some time with an item that is strictly off the books. This vehicle is so top secret that even the factory where it was manufactured was burned down and the staff completely erased from history. So, how did I get a chance to experience this wonderful “car” you are about to see?
When making a top secret project, always make sure that the security guard isn’t a Candy Crush addict. I gave that guy my entire friends list to play with in order to cross the Bubble Gum Bridge.
The Car as it is known by the file I have in my hand, was made by Wayne Industries for a very specific reason. What that reason is, I don’t know, but it looks like an arrow merged with a wild cat that was made out of adamantium. I mean just look at it!
Looking at this super-hyper car, it can be easy to become intoxicated by the sheer design orgy happening in front of my eyes; but I am a journalist and I shall maintain my professionalism. Now, as you can see in the photo, The Car is very shiny. I was unable to find its stats on the sheet, so I decided to pop open the drivers side door (the only door) and hop inside.
I am all for a sporty feel, but this cockpit (and it feels more like a plane than a car) is a little tight. I am large shouldered man, but if I were a few pounds bigger I am sure I would need Crisco to dislodge myself. The dash is a mess of gauges, screens, and just some flashy buttons? I mean, I pressed, I dunno, ten of them and nothing happened.
Until I pressed the big red button and then my erection about destroyed my pants.
Not only does the car now have the ability to strafe left or right, like something out of Macross, but it has the ability to answer whatever question is being fired at you with a cannon! A 60mm cannon, to be precise, and it packs a wallop! I took aim at the Fiat 500L the test city had parked nearby and did what should have been done in the first place and made it into an exotic paperweight.
It was then that the security guard must have awoken from his Candy Crush fever dream. As I was about to pirouette this death machine for the fourth time, I spun to a halt to find a windbreaker clad man yelling at me to get out of the car. Drunk on my newly acquired power, my finger pulled the trigger on the small man.
As the sound of a fired projectile echoed around me, I realized what I had done.
I tried to find the exit button and was instead ejected from the drivers seat and on to the hood. I ran over to the guard to find him conveniently knocked out. It was then I discovered this wasn’t a death machine.
The riot gun incident bought me some more time with the car, so I decided to stay away from the god-like powers of the red button, and focused on some road testing.
So, this thing is fast, I mean really fast! It even has an afterburner, which made me wonder why you would need such a thing in an urban environment, but hey, it’s really cool. If you were thinking this is just a single seat harbinger of pain, you’d be wrong as The Car fits up to three.
Please see the promo photo below:
Everything seemed to be stacking up well for The Car, but then I tried to do something silly, I tried to turn left… and that was a mistake. While this thing handles like a Russian Ballerina in the “Haters gonna hate” mode; in the actual car mode it’s more like a cow has been strapped to some ACME roller skates while Wile E. Coyote (super genius) rides on its back wearing a rocket pack. I don’t know why this thing requires so much finessing around the corners, but the amount of foot work you have to do may have your brain thinking you’re riding a bike rather than driving a car.
As I left the facility, and the still knocked out guard, I came away with mixed feelings about The Car. First off, it looks great. Secondly, it has that crazy combat mode, and it can carry passengers; but the actual driving, while fast, cannot handle the awesome that is this car. This is a shame as it could easily be one of the best creations on this planet. Also, if they ever rebuild the factory in which they forged this car, I hope they give you more options as far as color is concerned; and I would recommend the removal of the bat logos or at least a toning down of them, as they are very tacky.