Name: Wile E. Coyote

Job: A coyote (hunter)

“But Nick, he is a coyote.”

Yes he is, and he is terrible at the job. Many people might say that being a part of a species isn’t a job, but living itself, and surviving for that matter, is a full time job. It qualifies as a job because if you suck at it, you don’t get fired, you die.

Okay, then if he had a job, it would as a hunter.

Let’s look at what you need to have as a hunter to survive in the wilderness.

They must be clever

A hunter needs to be a clever, smart, and quick. They have to problem solve how to not be spotted and avoid being seen before the opportune time. Usually they do this by employing some clever tactic or using a camouflage of some kind.

Wile… he doesn’t really do that, he goes for the Rub Goldburg machine method of hunting. He does lie in wait for the Road Runner to come to him, but often times he relies on the element of surprise that is never surprising to his prey, but rather it is shocking only to himself.

They often have the best tools for the job

Be it a rifle or a bow and arrow or a fine set of claws, a hunter is prepared for the job of killing because they would be rather useless if they didn’t have the proper tools for the job.

The tool maker of choice for Wile is ACME and their almost endless catalog of useless and terrible inventions. Often times they do work, but they never factor in the idea of having to do a simple task like turning or, I don’t know, stopping. They are probably the most dangerous product manufacturer on the market, as they inventions would kill most of their operators, and yet they are still allowed to remain open.

Also, they do encourage the scorched earth approach to hunting.

Also, ACME does encourage the kamikaze approach to hunting.

They kill something

Let’s face it, hunters kill, and that’s okay. It is a basic instinct for us and other predators to kill when it comes to food as the nutrients inside of the creature dying are very valuable to the continued existence of the hunter. This also explains how most politicians continue to thrive in office.

Wile never kills his prey. Never. How he has continued to exist is a mystery as the audience has never really seen him eat anything and the only time we do see him is when he is in the act of “hunting.”

Verdict

Wile E. Coyote is probably one of the worst hunters since Dick Cheney. He constantly fails at catching a bird he could easily catch on, say, his own damn feet.

Wily E Coyote v RR

By simply running, Wile would have been able to have his freaking food and at the same time save on the millions of dollars by not buying ACME Co. products! ACME Co. must have one hell of a marketing department.

Replacement Position

Since Wile loves gizmos and devices, his next job should be as the Product Acquisition Director for Skymall Magazine (which isn’t dead).

Written by Maz

Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled "Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales"