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I have never been to a wedding and said the words, “That DJ was great!” Never. I may have said they were fine or okay or even good, but they have never been Tony the Tiger great.

When throwing a wedding, most couples want to make sure they are covering their bases. They want a certain atmosphere and the ability to have slow songs along with the greatest hits from the 80’s. A DJ seems like a sound choice in this regard, as they can do this very request by the power of techno wizardry known as an MP3.

You make a playlist with them, tell them to do some slow songs, and we’re off to the races, right?

I can count on one hand the number of times a DJ did what they were told. I’ve witnessed the flat out rejection of the playlist as they begin to spin their beats to the horror of the audience as they witness the murder of music right before their ears. I have bared witness to an empty dance floor, crying out in pain, as people leave the dining hall to get away from the loud music.

The reason behind why Jack the Rapper does this is because most wedding DJs think they are club DJs. They think they’re either Dead Mouse or Daft Punk as they get that spinning globe thing out and find out that the reverb slider exists.

How does a wedding DJ have anything to do with a Toyota Camry?

The Toyota Camry is the right of passage of many a new driver in the U.S. as they are safe, reliable, and safe. It’s a formula that cannot go wrong, until someone throws a body kit on it or they give the car 20″ rims. When the vanilla beige flavor that is the Camry is violated is when you begin to take note of it. The Camry looks like it’s trying to keep a very short skirt on without flashing anyone. It just looks like it’s in pain.

That unnecessary styling on top of the Camry is the DJ at a wedding.

Most weddings are rather plain. They are safe in their design and reliable venues are typically chosen along with your choice of beef, chicken, or fish because vegans can eat a bug and die, right? Well, no, they can’t… have to think of a new analogy, wait for it… They could not eat a B12 vitamin and die, right?

Getting back on track, the wedding is usually a safe, vanilla experience, which is fine as there is nothing wrong with vanilla; I mean it is the most popular flavor in the world. When you throw a wedding DJ into the mix, it’s like seeing a Toyota Camry in candy apple red, it could possibly be okay or it could be a train wreck.

When planning a wedding, make sure you do two things:

-Test the DJ prior to hiring them, make them say the names of the wedding party before the wedding day (because they will screw that up), and then don’t hire them

-Instead hire a live musician who has an iPod, the live music will make your wedding better and you will have the 80’s playlist you wanted to boot without the bullshit light show.

Written by Maz

Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled "Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales"