I run off coffee. It fuels me and keeps me going like hatred keeps TV news moving eternally toward its eventual destruction. There is something about coffee that makes everything seem real, more concrete, and infinitely more interesting.

Drinking a cup with friends is something of a priority with me. I usually have a cup of coffee post dinner and this has become so much of a staple with me that a few friends have actually kept their coffee maker on my account even though they don’t drink coffee.

How do I take my coffee? Black, like any other hard working, red blooded, hat wearing American. If milk and sugar are taken, may God have mercy on your soul as Telly Savalas rises from the grave to drag your soul to hell!

You take cream? Ha! Come with me.

You take cream? Ha! Come with me.

So, why is coffee so good? Why is it that you instantly feel a scene in a movie is more important when coffee is involved?

It’s because coffee’s authority adds credibility to just about anything it is added to. Try this experiment, think of your favorite scene from a movie. Now imagine it with coffee being drank by the main characters. See how much better it got? Even if it was a sex scene, that sex scene just became so much better; though how it would actually work is beyond me.

As far as my understanding of coffee goes, it’s so good because it just is and how dare you question it! Whoever brought forth this question shall be beaten by Telly Savalas until… wait, who is that in my yard? Is that Telly Saval…

Before I depart, I leave you with a tip on how to make a perfect pot of coffee:

-Water

-Add about three heaping scoops of coffee, maybe four

Follow these steps and you will have a solid cup of Joe.

Written by Maz

Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled "Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales"