Dystopian Job Titles

As the world marches toward its Calvinistic end, where Applebee’s is fine dining, new economies will emerge and with these economies new jobs will become available. In this blog post, we will cover just a few of these job titles and what their duties will include.


Description: A person who goes around and influences decision making by taking on the role of being a friend you will never meet.

Method of delivery: Video, audio, social media and blogs.

Statistical chance of this being real: 100%, because it is already here. You can find job titles with this name in it and these people do exactly as it sounds, they influence you. They tell you what they think and influence you to think along with them so that all of mankind thinks rompers are a good idea. Usually they are very personable and come off as being genuine as they talk to a camera lens and think the object to be human.

Fact Engineer

Description: Someone who creates facts.

Method of delivery: Anything that will make people see their viewpoint is wrong.

Statistical chance of this being real: 95%, this is different than an influencer because a Fact Engineer is trying to make you change your mind on a core belief rather than make you buy something. They will do this by using statistics they’ve made up and by writing hyperbolic articles that will cut straight through the Spam and into the point of their argument. They will post this information on websites, in emails, and in newsletters that look professional. Professionalism is the weapon of choice and the ability to show people’s opinions as fact in order to push an agenda that means nothing.

Social Terrorist

Description: A person who is hired out by corporations to go into a rival’s community and cause unrest by either spreading misinformation or getting people upset over nothing and dissemble an online community.

Method of delivery: Community forums and social media

Statistical chance of this being real: 85%, the first thought is to think that this is a paid trolling job, but it isn’t. This is something more than mere trolling, these people will come into a community and make it turn on the people who put it together. Their job isn’t to joke and have fun, but rather to destroy. And as more and more business are trying to create an online presence, this type of corporate sabotage will be highly sought after.

Dietary Regulator

Description: A person who tells you what is poisonous for your body today and great for it tomorrow.

Method of delivery: Short video clips on social media sites and blog posts containing infographics.

Statistical chance of this being real: 75%, because we already have this flip flop mentality of what is good and isn’t already in our modern media channels. This position would make that information appear and change at an almost constant rate, making the idea of cooking seem like an ancient Mayan ritual. The person in this position will just tell you how eating a specific brand of frozen food will just make life easier and better. Coincidentally, that brand will also be a sponsor of their show.

Guilt Layer

Description: A person whose job it is to make you feel bad and not want to do anything.

Method of delivery: Social media and video posts with some haunting piano music.

Statistical chance of this being real: 70%, and the reason for this high percentage is that many of us already deal with this guilt. It comes in the form of seeing how your pithy problems are well and truly bullshit, even when they are not. Granted, dying in a 3rd world hell hole sucks, and so does getting your hand cut off in the 1st world, but that kid looking at the camera has given up on life and you’ve done nothing for them except lose your hand in a bread slicing accident. How dare you feel bad for the loss of your limb when you’ve done nothing for those in countries you’ve never heard of you piece of shit. Now go watch some cat videos to make yourself feel better while real issues that you can actually do something about slip past your guilt ridden mind you selfish ass!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this tour through a possible dystopian tomorrow! If you want to know more about the destroyed future, please read my blog post on THREE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN THE APOCALYPSE!

Published by


Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled “Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales”