You know, I was going to write about maps, and have it be all whimsical with some light philosophical touches on life, but then my internet went out.

Only misery remains.

And so you, dear reader, are getting a review of solitaire, the classic on hold waiting for your cable companies IT game!

I haven’t played solitaire on Windows 10 yet, but let me just say, wow! The graphics are a huge improvement over Windows 97 solitaire. I mean here the cards are all shiny and new and utilize what seems to be particle effects?

Windows, you are spoiling me here. Particle effects! I feel like I am playing Hearthstone and I don’t even play Hearthstone!

Okay, now that the visuals are out of the way, let’s get down to the mechanics here. And just like every other AAA game developer, Windows 10 solitaire has been dumbed down massively. I get hints all the time, the damn Herpstone effects flash all on my face constantly, and it just keeps giving you hints even when I’ve turned those off!

No! I don’t want to be hand held anymore Windows! Stop holding my hand! Yours is all clammy and moist and blegh!

You know what makes me feel real sick? I take those hints even when I’ve done my damnedest to make sure they don’t pop up! I am the very thing I hate about the hint system in Windows 10 solitaire!

This game, this game, has just cut me to my core. Its revealed something I didn’t know about myself, a flaw that I will now examine until I feel nothing and will never again know what joy truly is.

And the IT guy is back. He’s the step above the previous IT guy, according to this T2 moniker, and he’s having me repeat the steps of the previous guy. I do not blame this man, for he is trying, but I blame myself for being a sponge on society.

A giant hairy sponge that must be burned!

Window 10 Solitaire score: Questioning reality of out Ham

Written by Maz

Nick enjoys making things and drinking coffee, specifically the latter, for without it the former wouldn’t get done. He also wrote a book titled "Where Monsters Lie & Other Tales"