Dystopian Job Titles

As the world marches toward its Calvinistic end, where Applebee’s is fine dining, new economies will emerge and with these economies new jobs will become available. In this blog post, we will cover just a few of these job titles and what their duties will include.

Influencer

Description: A person who goes around and influences decision making by taking on the role of being a friend you will never meet.

Method of delivery: Video, audio, social media and blogs.

Statistical chance of this being real: 100%, because it is already here. You can find job titles with this name in it and these people do exactly as it sounds, they influence you. They tell you what they think and influence you to think along with them so that all of mankind thinks rompers are a good idea. Usually they are very personable and come off as being genuine as they talk to a camera lens and think the object to be human.

Fact Engineer

Description: Someone who creates facts.

Method of delivery: Anything that will make people see their viewpoint is wrong.

Statistical chance of this being real: 95%, this is different than an influencer because a Fact Engineer is trying to make you change your mind on a core belief rather than make you buy something. They will do this by using statistics they’ve made up and by writing hyperbolic articles that will cut straight through the Spam and into the point of their argument. They will post this information on websites, in emails, and in newsletters that look professional. Professionalism is the weapon of choice and the ability to show people’s opinions as fact in order to push an agenda that means nothing.

Social Terrorist

Description: A person who is hired out by corporations to go into a rival’s community and cause unrest by either spreading misinformation or getting people upset over nothing and dissemble an online community.

Method of delivery: Community forums and social media

Statistical chance of this being real: 85%, the first thought is to think that this is a paid trolling job, but it isn’t. This is something more than mere trolling, these people will come into a community and make it turn on the people who put it together. Their job isn’t to joke and have fun, but rather to destroy. And as more and more business are trying to create an online presence, this type of corporate sabotage will be highly sought after.

Dietary Regulator

Description: A person who tells you what is poisonous for your body today and great for it tomorrow.

Method of delivery: Short video clips on social media sites and blog posts containing infographics.

Statistical chance of this being real: 75%, because we already have this flip flop mentality of what is good and isn’t already in our modern media channels. This position would make that information appear and change at an almost constant rate, making the idea of cooking seem like an ancient Mayan ritual. The person in this position will just tell you how eating a specific brand of frozen food will just make life easier and better. Coincidentally, that brand will also be a sponsor of their show.

Guilt Layer

Description: A person whose job it is to make you feel bad and not want to do anything.

Method of delivery: Social media and video posts with some haunting piano music.

Statistical chance of this being real: 70%, and the reason for this high percentage is that many of us already deal with this guilt. It comes in the form of seeing how your pithy problems are well and truly bullshit, even when they are not. Granted, dying in a 3rd world hell hole sucks, and so does getting your hand cut off in the 1st world, but that kid looking at the camera has given up on life and you’ve done nothing for them except lose your hand in a bread slicing accident. How dare you feel bad for the loss of your limb when you’ve done nothing for those in countries you’ve never heard of you piece of shit. Now go watch some cat videos to make yourself feel better while real issues that you can actually do something about slip past your guilt ridden mind you selfish ass!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this tour through a possible dystopian tomorrow! If you want to know more about the destroyed future, please read my blog post on THREE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN THE APOCALYPSE!

Get a Job! Santiago- Old Man and the Sea

Name: Santiago
Job: Fisherman

Santiago is a fisherman in the strictest sense of the word, he makes his living at it, but for 84 days he hasn’t done this very thing. Looking over the story of the formerly banned book The Old Man and The Sea many a reader would think that this evaluation is an open and shut case, be that as it may, let us see if Santiago should keep his job.

1. Patience

A fisherman must have patience when they are out at sea. Start fishing too soon and you scare the fish, too late and you miss them completely. The fact that so many people hate doing this is why they stay away from it entirely. Fishing, while peaceful, isn’t for everyone.

Santiago has patience, almost too much, after 84 days of not catching anything he should have moved on to another profession like becoming a cobbler or maybe a social media manager.

2. Strength

Leaving industrial fishing to the side, actually fighting a fish on a line takes a lot of strength. There’s a reason why most fishing line can hold 500 pounds, its because physics is a bitch, and that fish doesn’t want to go where so many have never returned.

Santiago fights this giant fish, single handedly, for three days. Three days! To train for something like that today would take weeks on a Shake Weight, because our modern bodies are spongy and soft.

3. Luck

A fisherman can stack the odds in their favor by using technology to track the fish down and bait the hook, but no matter how many times they radar the water, they still might not catch a fish.

Santiago is carved from a slab of wood that was unlucky enough to be cut down in the first place and was sent to a mill to be made into boards, but the place burned down during the cutting process. Luck ran away from him like an atheist from church and it was so bad that people from the village were afraid of catching it.

Should he keep his job?

Santiago sure as hell should! Why? Because he is a fisherman in ever sense of the word. Sure, he didn’t wind up being able to profit from the fish (spoilers), but he still caught it and brought it into town.

Now, get this man a Bass Pro Shop sponsorship and a tie-in video game!

How to ellipses

In our modern day world, we use typing and writing now more than ever in our daily lives. The average person texts more than 3 billion texts a week, I know this as a fact because I made this figure up, but it doesn’t lessen the fact that writing is very important.

Now, clearly showing the facts that writing is important, I have a bone to pick with a lot of you. You see, you think you know everything, you know the stock market will yo-yo and yet you are surprised when it dips? You know every single time we have a presidential election the people running in it are going to say, do, and say some more, the shit you want to hear; and yet you get up in arms about who it is you aren’t head over heels in love with during this rinse, lather, and repeat process.

What you do not know is that when you improperly use an ellipses when you text me, I get just that much closer to sending your ass off to Krampus for Christmas!

Ellipses is a form of punctuation and it is used for a number of formats:

AP Style- To show a quote continues either before or after the mentioned portion.

Fiction- To show a pause in conversation, unease in the person talking.

Anime- When the translation cannot translate the Japanese word for Gasp or Surprise.

Video games- Because the writer couldn’t think of a good one-liner to put in that scene where your best friend turns out to be your mother who was murdered fifteen years ago.

Now, in texting land the rule for ellipses has changed since the introduction of texting itself. When you use an ellipses today, you mean the following:

I’m apprehensive

Example:

“Hey, you coming to my mother’s?”

“Sure…”

I’m angry

Example:

“Sorry I missed fixing your dog.”

“It’s fine…”

I’m secretly trying to destroy the world

Example:

“Hey, they have a discount on Self-Drilling Nuclear Technology. You want one?”

“Okay…”

When I text you, “Hey, we’re going to be at your house in 15 mins.” and I get back, “Okay…” my spine stiffens and my brain runs through a million scenarios that begin with “Maybe that just means ‘Okay'” to “Ah shit, their going to murder me when I get there because I forgot their birthday and texted them a hour later than when they were actually born!”

Just stop. You want to respond to a message, try just saying your word and using a period at the end of the sentence. Using more than one period does not indicate excitement over the ending of a statement, it means utter doom!

Thanks for reading…

Story so far- Soma

I love video games and the stories they can tell. I play them to have an experience and it is here I shall be recording my experiences and thoughts thus far in a game I am playing currently.

I picked up Soma the latest game from Frictional Games and I did this voluntarily. I could have chosen to play Destiny: The Taken King or even Bloodborne, both of which would have been just great, but I wanted to play Soma because I wanted to experience something without any expectation or warning.

And boy, has it been an interesting ride. Possible spoilers?

Now, I probably didn’t make the best decision to play this game shortly after moving a friend of mine across the country and into his storage box, because for the better part of the first 30 minutes of this playthrough I was wandering around the apartment trying to find this vile I had to drink.

Yeah, 30 minutes, but you know what, it wasn’t in the typical spots in an apartment. I check the fridge, the bathroom, everywhere, and I even began to throw around the vacuum because I just didn’t know what to do anymore.

The damn bottle was in the bottom drawer of the desk.

Now, this might seem like a case of “What the hell was the designer thinking?” I took a step back and thought about it some more as to why the bottle was in that drawer.

Storytelling in video games is a tricky beast. You can yap at the player throughout the entire game or try to bread crumb the story with messages, but in either case you wind up being  either too direct or too cryptic with your player. Many games have done both of these methods for storytelling, but both have their problems, because they aren’t really telling the story the best way for the medium.

The best way to tell a story in a video game is to have it be a part of the world. The story has to be in the game for the player to experience rather than just read or listen to as they play through the main story line. What I mean by having a story in a game isn’t just text with VO, but rather integrating the story into the levels and the player experience. By making the story inseparable from the overall gameplay, the player will have a rich experience without being told why things are the way they are.

Let’s cut back to the apartment in Soma. I was being a duffous in thinking that this particular bottle was in a normal place. I was told upfront, in the intro cutscene, that the main character Simon has some brain damage. Playing this game as a perfectly sane man, on a good day anyway, I thought about where the bottle could be logically, but really I should have been thinking from the mindset of a person with a mental issue.

Simon put the bottle in that bottom drawer because he wanted to forget about two things.

A. The death of a possible lover

B. The fact that this was even happening to him

This character is stressed out because of the events in his life. Being stuck in that apartment I found out he runs a comic shop or bookstore of some kind and that he has clearly not been taking care of himself. The bottle being in the bottom drawer showed me that made sense to him to put it there, in some bizarre way, but the interesting part was the newspaper clipping in the drawer as well. It was very specific about the injuries that occurred to everyone at the scene.

I don’t think the clipping is as truthful as it claims to be, I think its a projection of Simon’s damaged mind. In fact, the entire opening scenes from the apartment, to the subway, to the “Doctor’s” office all seem very bizarre. Then think about the opening quote from Phillip K. Dick, “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.”

Having the narrative be affected by the protagonist’s state of mind is something that Frictional does very well. Wouldn’t be a long shot to guess that might be the same case here, but let’s see what happens shall we?

I am not going to rant the entire playthrough, the cool stuff is in there, you’ll just have to watch to find out what insanity we’re heading towards.

Here’s the playthrough from last night’s session, see if you like my apartment make over.

How A Writer’s Brain Works- Moving a friend

This weekend I will not be relaxing all cool, shooting some b-ball outside of a school because I graduated and I don’t play basketball.

What I am going to be doing is driving to Colorado to help a friend out. You see, I hate moving people. I did it a lot when I was younger but as my body has been ravaged by the sand blastings of time the idea to perform manual labor for a payment of pizza doesn’t have the same exchange rate as it once did. The only exceptions to this rule are:

A. Family that I like

B. Friends who haven’t utilized this service and that I like

C. The Hulk, as he packs light

Jon is a friend of mine who is in a tough spot, having moved to Colorado to live with his girlfriend the relationship did not end well, and now his stuff must be moved back to the dry wasteland that is California.

Seriously, everyone, stop moving here. I want a house.

What does this particular scenario have to do with a writer’s brain? When a writer goes anywhere they have a narrative spinning in their mind, or at least I do, and begin to see multiple storylines as actual possibilities. The elements that shape these storylines are:

A. Who is at the location?

B. What is their mental state?

C. What is the possibility of things happening?

This particular trip has a few elements in play, lots of moving parts, but here are the possible scenarios that could occur:

A. Jon and I go to Colorado, we get the stuff, and come home.

B. Jon and I go to Colorado, we are ambushed at the ex’s house and are forced to watch Frozen, and only the scene with Let It Go, till we crack and tell her where the Nazi gold is buried in Poland.

C. Jon and I go to Colorado, we get murdered, no one ever hears from us again (If this happens, know the butler did it).

D. Jon and I do not get to Colorado, but are instead forced to join a dangerous airboat gang that haunts the swamps of Louisiana.

E. Jon and I find The Neverending Story book from the movie, read it, and kill ourselves after re-living the horse swamp scene.

Of course, some of these are fantastical, but none-the-less are possible. I thank you for joining me through these hyper realistic scenarios and wish you a good day.

MustacheVenture presents a LocalVenture: Harbor House

When you think of Orange County, California you think of beaches, The OC TV show (Is that reference even any good anymore? Please say no), and some other bullshit that was on TV. Frankly, the place has a bad wrap for being the most vapid of the vapid as LA has tried to shrug that mantle off on to us.

I say nay to this! There are places in Orange County that are badass and you are going to hear about them on these LocalVentures from MustacheVenture.

The VO from this video comes from a frustrated place, where my microphone refused to work with me and never listened to my story! It was truly traumatizing, but after going to therapy, we have reconciled our differences. Check out the video, if you like it, hit the subscribe button and share it!

 

September 11th, 2001- How Mr. Rogers is still teaching us

I was going to write about another topic, one that is funnier than this one, but it’s September 11th and that is a date that is relevant and today I felt a need to talk about it.

To talk about this day you either take one of two routes:

A. Reverent

B. Asshole

It’s either one but never both, I am going to be a little serious here, it’s an experiment, so bare with me.

The events of that day in New York, DC, and Pennsylvania will never leave my mind. I will never forget waking up that morning and seeing the “really fake” news broadcast from whatever B-movie was being shown at 6 am. Only thing was it wasn’t fake, even though I really really wanted it to be, and we have seen images and videos that make sure the weight and horror of that day are remembered.

Those who sorted through the rubble, who ran toward the trouble, and those who are currently serving to protect us all are wonderful and I do pray that you are safe and come home soon.

Do most of you remember what it was like the days after this event? There was confusion, sadness, and great loss. We came together over this event and were just American’s and it didn’t matter your politics, religion, whatever, we mourned as a country. We felt one another and knew we had to support our neighbors and our communities.

It’s something that is missing today and needs to make a come back. Most people go outside and see enemies. They walk around in a state of fear. People look up in the sky and wonder what tragedy is coming next? They talk about it over kitchen tables, preparing themselves mentally so that they never feel that feeling again.

14 years ago something happened to us and we are still recovering from it.

I remember a quote from Fred Rogers and it’s a quote that many of you probably know by now, but it applies to us still today, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'”

In order for us to get a world that is better, we have to do it. God gave us two hands and a brain, we should use them for something better than being angry over things that we cannot control or effect.

Be a helper, be a doer, do something for someone else because that is how we rebuild and move forward.

10 Reasons why lists are bullshit

We all love a good listicle (a blog composed primarily of lists) and while they can be fun, fact of the matter is they are the worst. This isn’t because these lists are a sign of the moral decline of independent thought, no, if you’re looking for that you can watch the news; the reason why these things usually suck is due to these 10 things.

1-They are lazy

Nothing says, “Shit, that deadline came up fast” like a listicle blog. As a writer, formulating thoughts into a cohesive little package known as an article takes time. Usually these are initially plotted out in note form and then morphed into a seamless thought. Now, if a writer doesn’t have to do the morphing but instead just has to input their notes into a blog, that is really easy. Just be sure to make a sly comment at the end of each point to keep your audience engaged, because really, this is just a glorified grocery list.

2-Usually they’re about a thing you already know

3-They use click-bait bullshit titles

4-They contain only opinion

5-They are inspired by pure evil

6-They are killing long form articles

7-10-Underwhelmed? Angry that the last few points are not what they seem to be?

Welcome to 95% of listicles on the Internet! They always start off strong but eventually peter out toward the end. By point 4 the writer can visibly be seen crying into a greasy taco bag as they drum up some kind of connection between the last few points.

Hell, I even made one, and even this blog is one! This is meta as hell! I am in your mind now!

More exclamation points!!!!

P.S.- If you don’t like list blogs, don’t read them. The fact I’ve seen multiples of this same kind of article online really chaffs my ass, because guess what? The writers having to write these things have a quota to meet. If they do not meet that quota, they are fired. Gone are the days in which a writer worked on maybe five or ten pieces a month. Newspaper style work is the name of the game now, and if you’re not producing, you better hit them bricks.

These things work because they cater to a specific time frame and medium in which they are being read. Online, a writer has, maybe, 15 seconds to catch your attention long enough to have you read the entire post. These have to be punchy, fast, and entertaining.

Oh, and they have to be original-ish. Copying ideas , now that part is bullshit, but really, they are a product of the audience who is reading them. The reader, you, controls what content is king. Fact of the matter is if you wanted puppet shows in the street to give you the information you wanted, all the socks in all the stores would be gone, drawn on, and terrible voices made behind the cardboard stages.

You want better? Then read better. Find better and post that on your social media. If you’re sick of seeing guilt trip bullshit filling up your feeds, firstly, just drop the people you are following/friends with, second, don’t re-post it. Stupid spreads like a spark in a match factory out here on the Internet.

Now buy my book.

Why do we watch video games?

The 21st century is full of oddities. Who knew that we would one day have computers in our pockets and at the same time most Americans still do not know where Timbuktu is located on a map.

Also, who knew watching video games would become a thing? Growing up during the rise of video games from 8-bit to the current almost photo realistic graphics that are almost the norm today, an entire generation of people have grown up waiting their turn. Originally, that’s why you watched video games, because home consoles had a maximum amount of players capped at 4.

So, if you had a party with six people, two of them would just sit there on their butts, eating their ice cream cake, as the rest of the expensive cake melted while the rest of the party played Turok 2.

Today, millions of people watch other people play video games and the people they are watching are making a crazy amount of money from it. Many would blame this new trend on the downfall of mankind’s mental ability to actually do something productive with their lives, but this is a falsehood.

Humans have been watching sporting events for eons. Many obsess over it to the point where they have a fantasy game that doesn’t involve a 20 sided die. Fact is, we love to watch other people doing something difficult or skilled because we either:

A- Can’t do it

B- Are too lazy to really try, because that box of Entenmann’s doughnuts isn’t going to eat itself

This also goes for video games, because let’s face it, many people are not going to play 5 Nights at Freddy’s, no, they are going to watch Markiplier do that because of two reasons:

A- He’s hilarious to watch

B- Most people will still poop their pants as if they had their first cup of coffee in the morning

Just like sporting events or anything else that requires people to put in hundreds of thousands of hours to become masters of, we love to watch video games because of the same reasons. We have empathy with other people, and for many that is a sign of our humanity, but because of this bond we get a huge surge of emotions and chemicals in our brains that make our hearts jump or our chests explode in laughter because we connect with those who playing these games.

Fact of the matter is this, the future is a strange and bizarre place. Where it is going, no one knows, but let this be a lesson to us all: Anything and everything we do can possibly be sponsored by Mountain Dew some day.