Consumer Retorts- Dick Tracy’s Watch


Product: Dick Tracy’s Radio Watch

Manufacturer: I dunno, Casio? It just says radio on the face, so, let’s go with Patek Philippe, because I’ve always wanted to wear one.

This watch hails back from the analog days when tubes infested machines and before cigarettes were plugged by the Flintstones. It is a piece of retro-future that is being mimicked today from one of the most glossy and overpriced companies in America.

Apple Watch
Because paying $400 so my watch looks like it has the Partridge Family grade herpes is just great!

Why overpay for this knock-off from China when you can get a great piece of communication that fits on your wrist made in the good-ol US of A, by way of Switzerland or Japan? The Casio Philippe one-off on my wrist is a style that is classic and yet futuristic at the same time. It’s face is simple and elegant, while the soft yellow glow of what could possibly be radio active inserts allows my eyes to see what time it is day or night… or if I am even asleep.

I haven’t slept in two days. I just see clocks now… I see time itself.

The large speaker atop is a mesh of steel and simple fibers; and just to answer the question that you didn’t ask, no, it does not get AM radio. It’s a communication device, allowing my voice to travel to a central location in order to find out information. I know there is only one of these things in existence, so I tried to call whomever might be on the other end.

I got the police, who were wondering why I had a piece of their tech. They proceeded to ask me questions like, “What’s my badge number?” and told me to not move, so naturally I ran away; though I will say the dispatchers voice was crystal clear!

The watch got a lot of attention at the local coffee shop, where a small child asked me why I bolted a cheese grader to a clock? Another patron also took notice, it was an off duty police officer, and shortly afterword I found myself in the back of the police car.


Casio Philippe could make a killing with this analog smart watch. Imagine being able to call your chemical supply guy so you can five gallons of lye you need without worrying about the heavy breathing of a cop on the other end party line? Or calling your wife to pick up cookies without worrying about the heavy breathing of a cop on the other end of the party line? Privacy is at a premium these days and people will pay almost anything to make sure their communications are not being observed.

I implore Casio Philippe to make this watch pronto! Imagine being able to use a device without having to worry about Google running ad-words to see what color bra you love? This watch is the future of yesterday that we need now, because it is simple, it works, and it won’t force upgrade you in five years to an inferior model.

And we all know, that new model is going to suck.
And we all know, that new model is going to suck.

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